I am not ashamed

I am not ashamed of my illness
just wish I did not have it, although
have got use to it , after all it has been 15 year
that I got it, I feel guilty about been ill
and how it effects the people around
me, not all scars, not all wounds heal that easily,
not all illness can be seen , the daily
struggle of the pain and the side effects
of the medication and the sleepless
nights ,there is nothing I can do but
to accept my situation , then there is
the guilt that is hard to deal with, on
top of all my pain and illnesses, I beat
my self up for not being there for my family ,
from inside I beat my self up for not being
active in my family,s life, I feel guilty for
not seeing my friends and cancelling
last minute on them, I feel guilty that
my husband and sons see me in pain,
there is not much they can do to help
deal with my pain and horrible moods
yet there are people , who don’t care about
my illness nor care enough for me to
search at to understand what
am I going through, suffering from
chronic illness is no fun and I did not
asked for it chronic illness